Album Review: Golden Pelicans – Oldest Ride, Longest Line

I have absolutely no idea what Golden Pelicans are about. I have no idea who they are, who they sound like, what their favourite cereal is. None of that shit. All I know is that they’re from Florida, and they kick ass. Serious ass. They kick more ass than Steven Seagal in the mid 90’s. They kick more ass than AC/DC doing a private show for you and your buddies whilst in the midst of the Bon Scott-era. Shit, Golden Pelicans kick more ass than AC/DC kicking Stevan Seagal’s pudgy ass on the set of Under Siege 4. They’re fucking awesome.

Now, Golden Pelicans have released a fair bit of material, and all of it is essential. Their new album is no exception. ‘Oldest Ride, Longest Line’ is a descent into the bowels of riff-hell, a ride into the place where only Brian James, Blackie and Ron Asheton dare to tread. Golden Pelicans own debauchery in the same way that John Howard owns the bushy eyebrows/NOT BALD combo. They put themselves in reckless endangerment with every vocal and chord they are capable of shoving out of their mouths and fingers.

The end goal for Golden Pelicans is to be as raw and offensive as possible, and they achieve with honours. Take tunes like “Kunckledragger”, “Maggots” or “Low Fallutin” – the band blaze through these songs like they’ve been possessed by the souls of The Damned or The Boys circa debut album. Every song sounds similar, but every song contains the same type of disembowelling riffs that no other band seem capable of pulling off, so what’s the bloody problem? They unleash the kind of vitriol and spite that is usually only found in the fighting pits of Guatemala. It’s a dangerously foreign concept to bring to middle class ears, but goddamn don’t we need to hear it. The biting riffs bestow their power and fury with unrelenting passion, and whoever the fuck is singing has made it his mission to tear your ear off, Mike Tyson-style. There’s a couple Poltergeist-esque moments where Golden Pelicans reach beyond the speakers and practice their incendiary punk right in your very own living room, bellowing each chorus to unethical proportions.

Although this album doesn’t even break 20 minutes, it’s enough to make you shit the bed…twice. It’s fucked up and incredible, and if you’re eardrums haven’t blown out by the time those 17 minutes and 40 seconds have dried up, then you’ve screwed up somewhere along the way. This album is as essential as downing one of those Pizza Hut monstrosities with the Four ‘n’ Twenty Pies littered in the crust like swelling pimples ready to blow. If you need your face melted, you need this album.

Golden Pelicans rule, this album rules, Total Punk Records rules. Grab it here, or head to Repressed Records, pretty sure there’s some copies over that way.

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New: Housewives/Ausmuteants – Brown Out/I Wanna Sedate You

FUUUUUCK! You read that title correctly! Unworthy scum of the planet, let your eyes blister in awe at the fact that Oz-straya’s two greatest punk bands are teaming up for a 7″ that’ll blow your mind higher than a henchmen facing the wrongend of Schwarznegger’s rocket launcher in the forgotten classic ‘Commando’.

However, both bands have chucked a bit of a sneaky; they’ve released new songs, but the originals are yet to see the light of the Internet. Instead, they wrote a track each, and then sent the lyrics and chords to their counterparts, and told them to cover it. Smart, ya see, because now there’s nothing to go off, and two of the most houndingly creative bands in this fair brown land are free to beat the shit out of each other’s music.

Despite being covers, both Ausmuteants and Housewives respective styles are in full display. The stocky, sharp propulsion of Housewives is in full flight, bumbling shouts dribbling over fisty-cuff inducing guitar squeals. And Ausmuteants have got their Devo-meets-Chrome crossover at its deranged best, yelping lyrics meeting ferocious blackouts of noise.

The final motion of greatness? This 7″ is coming out on renowned label Total Punk, who have one of the best track records when it comes to releasing incredible punk music. Lumpy and the Dumpers, Buck Biloxi & the Fucks, and Golden Pelicans are just a few of the gems you can find on their Soundcloud. If you’re ever crate-digging and see that signature raised fist bearhug isigna, shell out whatever the asking price is, because once we hit the year 2025, these treasures are going to be worth more than H20 on this inevitably scorched Earth.  You know, cause Obama’s gonna hit the nuke button at the end of his term, and destroys us all? When that happens, records like this Hosuewives/Ausmuteants split are what will cool those third degree burns and soften the fact that you are chewing on the bones of your loved ones in the cruel apocalypse.