Album Review: LOVE COP-2 True/2 Real

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LOVE COP is a ‘band’ compromised of the individuals Duffy Rongiiland and Phil Salina. They’re a weird as fuck band from Portland. And they’re uniqueness doesn’t stop at the All Caps band name (#ruthlezz) or the fact they release their music on cassettes. Nah, this music extends past normal garage tendency and wanders right smack bang into the middle of what-the-fuck-am-I-listening-to-this-is-better-than-liquid-nitrogen-puppies territory. Yeah, LOVE COP make music that is better than puppies made from liquid nitrogen. Make from that what you will, if that doesn’t intrigue you in the least, you’re a ___________ (insert derogatory name that kids are calling their parents nowadays).

LOVE COP change shape like an ADHD game of Tetris, morphing and bouncing, mellowing and hyper-extending, doing whatever the fuck they want to do whenever the fuck they want to do it. Each song is solidly in a realm of it’s own, but LOVE COP manage to make each track flow right into the next one like nothing is out of the ordinary, and that YOU are the one that’s fucked up, not them. Woah, man. Trippy.

Look at the downer Soft Moon meets No Age of ‘Hologram Pt. II’, Donkey Kong barrels of synth rumbling down a sparse terrain of doom garage. Then compare that shit to opener ‘True Believer’, a track with a super happy bounce riff that recalls Dum Dum Girls or Smith Westerns. Then watch in wonder as everything shape shifts the gaping and Beelzebub love-making sounds of ‘2 True 4 U’. It’s a horrifying thing that would make HTRK shit their pants. But don’t freak out to bad, the acid trip comes to a sprightly regain on ‘So Long‘ a longing lovers track that makes the Grease soundtrack look totally uninspired in conjunction.

I’m only touching the tip of the iceberg here. ‘2 True/2 Real’ is constantly mutating and gucky thing that takes the listener on an emotional journey you probably haven’t experienced since you tried to sync The Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon. Speaking of Dorothy, to sum up this album, all I can say is that we’re not in Kansas anymore. No, where in the mind of Calvin Johnson during Beat Happening’s experimental period. And it’s sweeter than scoring free drugs off Amanda Bynes.

‘2 True/2 Real’ is out right now on Burger Records and Gnar Tapes. You probably already know my feelings on Burger Records (to summarise: downright scary amounts of unsafe love) but Gnar Tapes, a relatively new label for me, has proved to be damn awesome in its own right. You can grab it for $7 digitally on LOVE COP’s Bandcamp here, or get the cassette like the retro purist you know you are, on Burger Records and Gnar Tapes. Considering LOVE COP are a Portland-based cassette band, I wouldn’t hold out too much hope for a tour in Australia. But it would be great to see this band live. Start a social media petition to get them down here, or something. I don’t know. Be pro-active.

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Album Reviews: Elvis Christ + the Wrong Man + Cobwebbs

So, Long Gone Records just sent me their trifecta of new albums. That’s fucking awesome. All the albums are better than peanut butter brittle slathered in cocaine. That’s fucking awesome. And all the albums came out on cassette. That’s fucking awesome. However, I am pressed for motherfucking thyme! I got exams and study to do, and very limited amount of time to review! I feel like the whitest poet, probably because I am, I just didn’t know it! However, quick change of format: I’m going to do all three albums on one post, instead of a post each. So, instead of 500 words, it’ll be 200 for each, or something. Is that ok for you? Is that cool? Do you mind? Get fucked, I’ll do what I mow-forkin’ please.

ImageElvis Christ’s ‘And So It Shall Be’ is what I imagine Brad Pitt’s premature ejaculation is like: its heavenly while it lasts, but its still too short, and leaves you wanting way more. Then again, bragging rights. Lustful Pittian dreams aside, its unruly, tongue wagging garage rock n roll. It spits in your face, cleans it with a dick rag, and then laughs because now you have spit and jizz on your dome. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it? Nah, because you just got to listen to the rip-roaring ‘And So It Shall Be’. ‘You Want It All’ features one hell of a fucking guitar solo (think Dave Grohl being fucked by Satan), and ‘I Just Wanna Go For A Ride’ recalls Thee Headcoats and similar hellfire meth bands, which is a really good thing. Like, really good. Super good. Fuck it, that song makes me want to dance. Elvis Christ truly deserves to retain his moniker, and he does the other two guys called Elvis proud. Smiley face!

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There’s a lot of manly stuff out there. I mean, you’ve got Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeth, Slayer, Joe’s Bag of Buttpluggs (please let that be a real band). But what happens when you get the Wrong Man? Alfred Hitchcock’s 1956 classic tried to answer that question, but instead of wasting a couple hours of your life, just listened to this self-titled record from Brisbane. This shit is German porn levels of filthy, drenched in layers of bedroom fuzz, and caked in grimy Lux Interior vocals and swagger. Serious props on the opener ‘Virgin on the Hill’ which manages to be both cacaphonic and lustful at the same time. The Wrong Man make music that will make your mother weep and Danzig jack off. Isn’t that a deliriously beautiful image?

ImageI actually knew about Cobwebbs before I was given this album. I had frothed over their previous shit, which I’ll aptly describe as noise rock thrown in a blender. So, imagine my surprise when I find that the band have traded in their awesome brand of shitty death guitar for synths and darkwave. However, I’ll have you fucking know, this isn’t some pissweak New Order imitation. Do you like Buzz Kull, HTRK, Nite Fields, or like minded Australian dark electro bands that drill into your skull? You’ll definitely dig this shit. Cobwebbs have got atmosphere down pat to a creepy Cheshire Cat smile, all knives and no stabbing. It’s like an hour long horror movie buildup that leads to a transvestite vampire party. I especially dig on ‘Elevator’ and ‘Slow It Down’, which are tracks that show an alternate Scooby Doo future in which the whole gang gets slaughtered by a swamp monster. Pretty fucked up, right? You should definitely check out this album.

So, that’s my quick summary of some really, really great shit. I hope you enjoyed it, and want to go buy those records. If you’re the kind of Average Joe who enjoys your Britney Spears with a side of shit, then it’s probably not for you. The rabid Glee fans, top-button wearing faux hipster scum and pinger munching fake-tanned hunks of muscle probably aren’t going to be lining up either. For the rest of you, go shell out three bucks each for these awesome records. I think you can do without your McDonald’s Breakfast Taco for a day. Go here for Elvis Christ. Go here for the Wrong Man. Go here for Cobwebbs. Long Live Long Gone!