For the fuck-all of you following my rarely updated shenanigans on Facebook, I’m starting a new fucking feature! I’m rounding up a bunch of my favourite bands/labels/heroes of Australia, giving them a theme, and telling them to collect their Top 5 Records into that theme. What’s that? Well yes, I did just finish ‘High Fidelity’ by Nick Hornby. Fuckin’ ripper of a book. Why do you ask?
The first band to kick off the precedings is local heroes Bachelor Pad. This is a band that does not give one singular fuck. They’re so young they reckon Nazis were a bunch of wankers from the first Captain America movie, but they’ve got enough spunk, good looks and mullets to make up for that.
Seeing them live is an experience unto itself as well; you’re guaranteed to see some instruments get a bashing, some gurgling, shouted vocals, and onstage antics that would make a drunken Ozzy Osbourne scream blushing obscenities in an effort to outdo these young guns.
But what’s most important is that Bachelor Pad have perfected the craft of the simple garage rock song. They bash it out in a couple minutes (only one song from their debut album, ‘Dooming Out’, exceeds 3 minutes) but every single one of the tracks is packed to the brim with killer hooks and fantastic chorus’.
Bachelor Pad are one of my favourite Sydney bands, so I’m stoked that they will open up this new feature. Cheers mates!
Theme: Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum
Cumstain: Hurry Up and Kill Yourself…
I know this list is called ‘Young, Dumb & Full of Cum’ and it seems awfully clichéd to include a band called Cumstain on said list but…they are called Cumstain. Cumstain. Let that sink in. Like an actual Cumstain. Also the album’s full title is ‘Hurry up and Kill Yourself You Scum Bag Trust Me Your Mother Won’t Miss You’. They manage to fit 12 short sharp power pop jams about mutual masturbation, unprotected sex and the sweet, sweet single life onto a one-sided LP that was released by the most excellent Burger Records. Also did I mention the dude doesn’t wear pants on stage? Cumstain are probably ya new favourite band.
Beastie Boys: License To Ill
Someone once said that License to Ill was the original gangster rap album (or OG rap album to you and me) as it contains enough references to gun violence, impassioned sex and alcohol abuse to make Ice Cube blush. Whether or not you choose to believe this is up to you. The cold hard fact of the matter is that somehow three snotty ex-hardcore punks managed to make one of the landmark rap albums of the 1980s. To fully understand the shear amount of classroom fooling that appears on the album you have to remember that the original title for the album was ‘Don’t Be a Faggot’. That should give you an accurate idea of how high-brow this record is.
Razar: Stamp Out Disco/Taskforce 7”
Emerging from the same oppressive swamp that birthed a multitude of amazing bands like The Saints, The Riptides, Regurgitator and Custard, Razar released two EPs and then completely disappeared. The aforementioned swamp is of course 1970s Brisbane. Joh Bjelke-Petersen ruled the sunshine state with a corrupt, iron fist for 19 long years. Thankfully Australian punk rock rose like a glorious phoenix out of the conservative quagmire and produced some of the most vitriolic music ever committed to tape during this period. I would highly recommend reading Andrew Stafford’s excellent ‘Pig City’ which chronicles the rise and rise of the Brisbanus music scene.
UV Race: s/t LP
This record is so gloriously stupid that to write about how stupid it is would defeat the point. If you’re not familiar with the music of The UV Race then pull ya head outta whatever encyclopaedia you’re reading and get acquainted. And yes I did need to spell check encyclopaedia, and do you know why? Because I’m proud to be the lowest common denominator. I am someone who gets bummed out waiting for the train or whose mind goes blank when staring at pretty girls. These are the problems that The UV Race write about in their blissfully simple and catchy punk tunes. Not everyone can save the world like that fuck knuckle Bono so why bother trying.
Redd Kross: Born Innocent
Redd bloody Kross. Where to begin? These guys began when they were in middle school (whatever the fuck that is) and are the anti-Beach Boys. Although sharing a home town and an affinity for harmonies, Redd Kross’ snotty take on early Californian hardcore couldn’t be further from the strains of ‘Help Me Rhonda’. During the band’s early stages, they shared members with other bands like Black Flag and The Circle Jerks. The song ‘Cover Band’ has the same riff as The Circle Jerk’s track ‘Live Fast, Die Young’. Regardless, the amount of snot contained in this record is enough to warrant a sick day.
Buy Bachelor Pad’s amazing records right here!