In recent times, a video has emerged with an online presence that belies that of Psy’s ‘Gangnam Style’, Samwell’s ‘What What in the Butt’ and Rebecca Black’s “Friday’ combined. I am, of course, speaking about Alison Gold’s ‘Chinese Food’, as posted above. Please, if you are one of the 9 million and counting that has not seen this video, take the three minutes and twenty eight seconds to broaden your IQ. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
Did you see that? Did you see that irreplaceable piece of satire? I mean, ‘A Modest Proposal’ can go fuck itself, ‘Chinese Food’ is exactly what one wants when engaging with the kind of biting Juvenalian satire that this planet has been missing for so long. What was the last piece of really good criticism wrapped in several layers of sarcasm, parody and irony you saw? An episode of South Park? I scoff at thee, for whilst Trey Parker and Matt Stone are doing Whip-Its and jerking each other off, Alison Gold is proudly on the Internet, telling it how it is, albeit in a scathing, admonishing tone not seen since Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Kindergarten Cop’.
But what is Alison Gold so bent up about in her day-to-day life that could cause her to get in such a fluster? Did she miss out on getting invited to Sarah Falkner’s Big 14th Bash? Did her parents forget to put $100 in her bank account for the day, so she had to have tuna instead of lobster for lunch? Did she come to school wearing the cutest denim skirt, only to see that bitch Tammy rocking the same outfit? Well yeah, Tammy’s a fucking whore, but no, Alison is taking aim at something much more mature and sinister: US and Chinese economic relations, and the threat of the Cold War Version 2.0, a situation, that from Alison’s point of view, is looking all the more grim for the United States.
It’s right there in the video, but it is covered under so many layers of subtlety that one would probably miss it the first time round. What with the instantly offensive racist nature of the clip, and the obtuse idiocy that parades in abundance, you’d be forgiven for thinking this is one of the worst songs of the century. But it isn’t, because no one would be that blatantly stupid, it is physically, logically, and religiously impossible. So, if it isn’t an abomination to the gift of life, it can only be a work of genius. And the evidence is all there.
Let’s start with the opening lines of the song. Random Asian gibberish spoken by a man fucking around with noodles. Not cooking them, just kind of poking at them. Ignorance at its finest, or a foreshadowing of an economic future that sees China prodding American capitalism with sick glee?
The clip moves onto Alison Gold. She’s your average American teen: blonde, fun-loving, and generally innocent. Guys, she just want to go clubbing! But then, Alison, our young, naive protagonist, sees a restaurant called Chinese Food. Now, this isn’t laziness on the producer’s part to think of a vaguely legitimate name for a token Chinese restaurant, but a conscious effort to show the shoddy and lazy workmanship of Chinese manufacturing. Gone is the soul and care of quality American products, replaced by a stock character that tells the consumer exactly what it wants but gives none of the satisfaction. Poor Alison, her weak mind is taken by such a superficial concept, and she is instantly pulled, almost supernaturally, to the restaurant, not even bothering to look both ways as she crosses the street.
From here, the viewer gets to examine the inner workings of the Chinese factory environment, all scaled back to the restaurant. The horrible conditions of a child behind the cash register, pounding away blatantly at a machine that she obviously has no idea how to use. Hell, the mercury poisoning is even getting to Alison, as she struggles to even pronounce ‘Chow m-m-m-mein’. The delusion has truly infected our heroine, through the process of antagonistic Communist structure. She has been integrated into a fearful role of supporting Chinese ideology simply by being there. ‘I LOVE CHINESE FOOD! YOU KNOW THAT IT’S TRUE!’ are over-the-top lyrics that no serious musician or performer would utter, let alone write with any serious intention, so they have to be a representation of the zealous Chinese consumption of traditional American ideals.
Now, onto the lightning critical serving that would make ‘Catch 22’ shit itself. Whilst our mindless Alison Gold is zonked out on deadly chemicals brought on by the dodgy craftmanship of Chinese manufacturers that skirt any sort of moral code, (a practice that in no way, shape or form would ever be practiced in the Great States) she happens across a friendly panda. Initially thought to be a schizophrenic episode, it turns out to be Ark Music Factory co-founder Patrice Wilson!
Now, the immediate reaction would be to convulse in revolted apprehension, but its all good guys! It’s a metaphor! For the Chinese corporate strangulation of American culture! Duh! Mr. Wilson dances and raps, the perfect gentlemen at a pre-teen all girl slumber party. However, as is the case of all the best satire, there’s the macabre presence of the panda suit covering most of Patrice’s body, swallowing him up as the girls watch in barely contained horror.
The final straw of disillusion comes in the grand finale of the song. Alison and her buddies (aka victims of a vicious economic situation that can afford to buy out all competitors through short cuts and impoverished children) dance around in Kimonos and sing their ditzy chorus, easily a representation of total cultural ignorance brought on from the swallowing of Alison’s American identity. But are you ready for the mind explosion ladies and gentlemen? Because in the final moments of ‘Chinese Food’ the panda leads Alison downstairs in her own house, and then abandons her! THE PANDA HAS LITERALLY FUCKED THIS POOR GIRL AND FUCKED OFF BACK TO THE MOTHERLAND WITH THE CAPITALIST SPOILS OF WAR! If that’s not symbolism for what the Chinese economic policy is doing to Wall Street, then Patrice Wilson is into some seriously fucked up shit.
But it don’t stop there. No, like all good satirists, Alison Gold provides multiple levels to her majestical critique, by gesticulating to future implications. Alison believes that if America is continued to be taken advantage of (or in her words, fucked by a panda) then we’ll end up like the wretched Patrice Wilson. Americans will become slaves to the Communist Government of China, children enslaved to the poor working conditions of China’s factories, every product churned out to be as accessible and mass-consumed as possible. Alison Gold has seen the future of the United States, and that future spells the death of the American Dream. And we’ll all end up in panda suits. Cos the Chinese government fucking loves pandas.
So, in conclusion, ‘Chinese Food’ is not a KKK member’s idea of masturbation material as initially considered, but a thought-provoking summarisation of Chinese-American economic policy, and the whoring of capitalism. Alison Gold is a child of immeasurable wisdom, a woman who will lead the charge to a better, economically independent United States of America.
God Bless You Alison Gold.