Let’s face it. The press is manipulative, bloodsucking siren, that’ll call you like a mother then spit out your bone marrow an hour later. She’s a cold, bitter beast, full of hate and twisted lies. So many, many artists have fallen to prey of being overhyped and blown out of proportion of their talents, only to be cruelly reminded that they’re just another cog in an endless machine. So many, many artist will release an EP or debut to critical acclaim, only to have their carcasses served to them on a platter from a backlash on their consecutive album or release. The following artists aren’t necessarily bad, they’ve just been blown out of proportion, and the fall from grace after their 15 minutes has been just that bit harder. Also, don’t be offended. These are just bands that are media frenzies, but I don’t personally see the hype surrounding them. Just because they’re the press’ wet dream doesn’t make them good.
10. Guns N Roses: The Gunners had a really, really good album on their hands. That album was Appetite for Destruction, and it single handedly changed rock music. There was no way Guns N Roses could screw up. Unless they started to suck. Which they did. Ok, well at least Slash is still in the band? He’s cool right? Oh wait, he got kicked out? Shit. Well, they were a good band. Now it’s just a fat dude with dreads, bludgeoning his overpriced place in history a little closer to death with every rant he does. And Slash? The word guitar legend gets tossed around a lot these days…
9. Pearl Jam: Grunge music was a really fun period in music. Just kidding, it was so fucking depressing. White kids whinging about white problems with brutal, slowed down, punk inspired guitar in the back ground. For a band that wanted to just about make love to their DIY roots, Pearl Jam became pretty media friendly, pretty quickly. Vs, Ten and Vitalogy aside, Pearl Jam are more or less like every other band that ‘made it’ in Seattle at the time. Take a look at any of their recent albums, then listen to an older song. They’re like Siamese Twins! Except whiter and more annoying.
8. KISS: AWWW YEAH ROCK N ROLL! The only people who listen to KISS are cool grandparents and douche frat boys. Any band that stylises their name in capitals equals an instant hatred on my part. Any band that has more than one song about partying equals instant hatred on the part of people with good taste (Andrew W.K, I’m looking at you). Any band that dresses up like lesbians and shoot out their tongues in front of fire, and they don’t play psychedelic music equals the instant hatred of any sane person. And to think this band were considered gods of rock.
7. Coldplay: Gotta love those miscreants in the Coldplay camp. They like to play Pearl Jam music, but softer, and with higher vocals, so maybe one day, that girl over there, the one called Gwyneth, might look over. Coldplay exist for one reason and one reason only: breakup albums. However this all went to Chris Martin’s head and Viva La Vida was one of the most self-endorsed bullshit to scrape the musical sphere.
6. Lady Gaga: She’s controversial, and very good at articulating feminist points of views. She’s also insane and self-obssessed, and thinks her shit don’t smell. She probably thinks her shit is encrusted with rubies and Big Bird’s fur balls. Wearing a dress made of meat, or Kermit the Frog? Media whore. Producing probably one of the worst albums of the decade, that also features the worst Transformer? Inexcusable. Having it hyped by rabid fans, and blinding critics to it’s shitness? Apocalyptic.
5. Take That: There are three facts of life: Veggies make you strong, karma’s a bitch, and all boy bands suck. Any boy band could fit onto this list, as there seems to be a new one every few months, shitted out by the latest season of X Factor. But let’s take it back to the original steaming turd: Take That. Take That were a bunch of super hot dudes, one of which was Robbie Williams, who took a hit of the magic dust called fame, and then never came down. They figured the only way to feed their junkie habit was produce more terrible music. So that’s what they did, much the the detriment of everyone’s ears.
4. Green Day: Green Day used to be awesome. They weren’t exactly hardcore in any way, not even edgy really, but they had traces of punk like how certain foods might have traces of nuts. ‘Dookie’ remains one of the most solid releases of the 90’s. Then Green Day met the whore they call ‘popularity’ and exploded into a shit storm of arrogance and pride. What followed has neither been pretty or good. Just pure, commercialised crack for ears. And they’re hailed as bringing punk back to the mainstream. A trip to Definiton.com could fix that. Green Day are not punk, let alone the saviours.
3. Eminem: Once again, white boys rule, good music drools is the message that the media is sending to us. Eminem is the highest selling rapper of all time. Thats like Kernel Sanders being given McDonalds Employee of the Month. Eminem has also gone through his pitfalls. He raps about the same things over and over again, namely drug abuse, mummy issues and how tough it was growing up, and then waits for the cash to flow in. The man has lost all credibility, let alone the smidgen of talent he pissed away after the ‘Marshall Mathers LP’. And yet he still cracks the Top 40 every year!
2. Ed Sheeran: Ed Sheeran does what Jack Johnson has been doing for years, only redder. And with a weird accent. He combines his weird style of rap/sing song into a ginger slop of talentless goop. Acoustic pop is all the same. Angus Stone was only good because he was obviously ridiculously high the entire time. Ed Sheeran gets too much credit for such an unoriginal concept of something he can barely pull off, something so easy that I’m surprised it hasn’t become a pyramid scheme. Step 1. strum acoustic guitar. Step 2. Don’t be ugly, don’t be good looking. Step 3. Sing in an ok voice about first world problems or a broken heart. Step 4. Buy a mansion and pet dolphin with all the money you make.
1. Lana Del Ray: I’d like to get something off my chest. I hate Lana Del Ray. Some would call it a sick passion, others would describe it as a murderous trait. The majority of the woman’s appeal is based on her image. An image that is slowly crumbling around her. Her dad bankrolled her album, so she’s not indie or DIY. She changed her name and style for popularity’s sake. She’s a massive tool, and she’s full of herself. And her singing might be fake, after that abysmal Saturday Night Performance. Fuck you Lana Del Ray, you fake. Your about as real as my boob job. No wonder the press loves you.